How to Parent Peacefully in a Pandemic — Advice from a Psychotherapist
Updated: Apr 3, 2020
In every household under coronavirus-induced quarantine, a new dynamic has emerged. Parents are now jointly responsible for engaging, entertaining, exercising, and educating (as well as feeding) their offspring at all hours of the day, with no breaks before bedtime.
The effects of the coronavirus on our collective mental health have been just as diverse as our particular situations at home. From missing playdates, babysitters, and grandparents, to juggling work with childcare, to mourning the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one, our individual stressors might vary, but the underlying truth is that we have all struggled at some point over the past few weeks.
Up against emotional instability, financial insecurity, and domestic distress — parents everywhere are in crisis — suffering from anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, confusion, frustration, and outright terror.
Panic buying may be an unfortunate response to the pandemic, but panic parenting doesn’t have to be. EmmaWell is working to ensure that all moms — and their partners — feel supported and informed at a time when access to social outlets, in-person resources, childcare, and even non-urgent medical care seems scarce.
Last week, Hilary Waller, EmmaWell’s Clinical Director of Mental Health and a psychotherapist at The Postpartum Stress Center, shared mental health tips for postpartum moms during the pandemic. In this installment, Hilary offers insightful observations and valuable advice on how to preserve healthy relationships with your spouse and children — as well as other family and friends — in these trying times.
My partner and I are both stuck at home for the foreseeable future and are constantly at each other’s throats. How can we preserve a peaceful marriage under these circumstances?
We all need to practice extremely high levels of compassion for each other’s behavior in times like these. Everybody is under a tremendous and undue amount of stress. I love to have couples create rituals during times of high stress so that they can reconnect and remember that they’re on the same team.
When we are in an experience that is so stressful and so extraordinary, it’s a good idea to take a step away from whatever happened during the day. Once you can have some alone time, have a hug, watch a show together, or talk about something neutral so that you remember what is at the core of your relationship — whether that’s a close friendship, a romantic marriage, or the love of your children.
Intentionally remind yourselves what is at the center of your relationship even if you’ve been bickering or fighting throughout the day.
Besides coming together, you also need to practice staying separate. Each individual needs to fold time for self-care into the daily routine. Consider that, during this unprecedented time, both parents may be working from home or worried about job loss, responsible for taking care of the children, and supervising some level of education or entertainment for the kids all at the same time. That is a great deal of responsibility for a couple to take on in one day, day after day.
Make sure that you’re generous with each other and compassionate for each other’s needs. For example, if you would feel recharged after a walk alone, then your partner should try to adjust work schedules and other plans to accommodate that for you. And vice versa. You need to ensure that your own and your partner’s self-care needs are met every day.
The stressors that were in your marriage before are still there, and may become magnified in the presence of this pandemic. If you’ve been working with a therapist on any issues, continuing to do so is a good idea. For a couple who had a previously harmonious marriage, when that feels disrupted, remember that the stability of your life is different. Of course, the quality of your relationship may feel different or even like it is suffering, so really make an effort to protect a part of your relationship so that you’re able to stay connected with the core of your marriage.